Remembering Life, Meanings, and Me…Update 1/18/10

18 01 2010

Donation Update:  As of January 18, $3,788 has been donated towards Windsor’s total cost of $7,000 which includes his purchase, training, service dog equipment, and medical.  His expected arrival is in March 2010.  Thank you everyone for your help! 

I love people! I miss people! In the summer, I began a new regimen in addition to the Brain Protocol. It is a remedy that helps to heal/stimulate the parts of the brain that cope with people, a great struggle for many TBIs (Traumatic Brain Injuries). A few months ago, I began to have “people parties.” My brain begins to crave people and I go looking for them. I may only need to get downstairs to find a person or I may go outside to observe someone walking nearby in the neighborhood. Often, it is just the act of being around a person/people. Most of the time, I just watch what the person is doing, because it is typically a struggle to be around people speaking, to have a conversation, and to understand the person’s fast-spoken words. Interacting is too stimulating, too painful, too confusing, and it just plain overtaxes my brain. I miss being with people. I was a people person and gained energy from them prior to my TBI, but now that same adrenaline rush wears me out for days, weeks, even longer.

On Monday of this past week, I realize I went to the largest, interactive “people party” in years. My old school where I taught, Valencia Elementary, is raising donations for Windsor. For the classrooms, my mom, my caregiver, and I made donation buckets, something I was thrilled and proud to accomplish. Over twenty buckets is a major task for anyone, but especially for a TBI. It was then a great stretch for me to ride in the car that far due to nausea, jitteriness, loud/repetitive noises, and the eye/head pain it causes. I enjoyed visiting with the new principal and past co-workers during their lunch. After, I went into one sixth-grade classroom. It was a bit of “deja vu” for me. My brain was racing and trying so hard to hang on as a past co-worker and I began to teach the students some about disabilities and service animals. I spoke pretty well. I did get confused, but for my first time “up at bat” in years, I have to put it on my success list.

It’s typical for many TBIs to be confused with words, to struggle to find their place in a conversation. For months I have practiced how to answer people’s questions because I don’t respond well to spontaneous topics, questions. I was STUMPED by two topics that arose while at Valencia. Following my time at the school, for the rest of the week, I mentally became exhausted, couldn’t think clearly, had to isolate myself from the stimulation of people, and my head pain greatly increased. After a week, I’m beginning to think clearly and I needed to write out some thoughts.

I’ve decided to revisit the two topics that stumped me by writing about them in my blog. It is a release for me and perhaps it will help someone understand people who struggle with traumatic brain injuries (TBIs).
1)  Am I embarrassed?  I remember hearing the word “embarrassed” twice.  The first time I heard the word I responded, “Yes,” but I sat confused by what the word meant.  The second time I heard the word I thought, “No,” but what does that word mean again?  I was lost, confused, unable to find the meaning of the word in my brain.  Therefore, I gave the impression that I am embarrassed.  For the record…

“No, I am not embarrassed.  I am privileged.”

What do I mean by that?  For days, the meaning of “embarrassed” has been finding its way back into my memory, my recollection, my understanding.  I had to look up the definition in the Webster’s Dictionary (something I use a lot while relearning words).  I learned that it means to feel ill at ease, to be self-conscious, at times to feel ashamed.  I feel none of these.  I love my life!  I’m proud of how incredibly hard I’ve worked, how I’ve fought to hang on to life, and how my faith sustains me through the struggles.  I’m so INCREDIBLY THANKFUL for the Brain Protocol and all that it is helping me to regain.  I am privileged as a TBI to have regained some abilities, activities in my life.  My TBI journey is not just about me!  I fight everyday knowing that the Brain Protocol has the power to impact so many lives that have been damaged, destroyed because of a brain trauma/injury.  Since August 2007, I have progressed so much.  That’s a privilege!  I keep the faith in my healing process so that others may have HOPE through the Brain Protocol for their own healing journey.  To me, “Hope for Christy” means “Hope for others.”

2)  Am I in pain?  Funny, I don’t recall people talking about this around me.  I try to keep my focus away from the pain, but “Yes,” I’m in pain.  Prior to the Brain Protocol, I lived in such agony.  The only part of my body that didn’t, doesn’t, hasn’t known pain on this journey are my fingernails.  Since being on the Brain Protocol, I understand that some of my pain is “healing pain.”  No pain, no gain.  This past summer, I told Dr. Abell I was beginning to experience moments with less head pain.  I didn’t/don’t know how to describe it, but it’s different.  Sometimes the pain is more, sometimes it’s less.  Many disabled people live with constant pain as I do throughout my limbs, back, stomach, chest, face, eyes, ears, head, etc.  However,  I know I’m OK.  It’s like getting a cut.  Yes, you are in pain, but you also know you are OK.  I know I’m OK because I understand my disabilities and I understand that the Brain Protocol is trying to heal or make better some, perhaps all, of my disabilities.  I prefer not to share about my pain, yet perhaps it helps someone understand certain disabilities.  I share the pain issue not from self-pity, but with the perhaps chance it may inspire someone to enter the medical and/or medical research field.  Perhaps in the sharing, it has made another person who suffers from a TBI or a disability feel less lonely.  Perhaps my hope gives you hope!  Or to put it another way, since there has been so much “Hope for Christy,” perhaps today there can be “Hope from Christy.”     

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One response

25 01 2010
Greg Cashner

Thanks for posting Christy. Your progress is amazing and a reflection of God’s mercy and love. I feel priviledged to witness it.

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